1. Kid: I’m Hungry! Dad: Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
2. If you’re cold, stand in the corner – it’s 90 degrees!
3. Why do Golfers wear 2 pairs of socks? In case they get a hole in 1
4. Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
5. I was just reminiscing about the beautiful herb garden I had when I was growing up. Good thymes.
6. I’m starting a new dating service in Prague. It’s called Czech-Mate.
7. “Can February March? No, but April May!”
8. “Dad, can you put my shoes on?” “No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.”
9. “Dad, can you put the cat out?” “I didn’t know it was on fire.”
10. “Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.”
11. “Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!”
12. “Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!”
13. “How do lawyers say goodbye? We’ll be suing ya!”
14. “How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.”
15. “How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.”
16. “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.”
17. “I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.”
18. “I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!”
19. “I don’t trust the stairs. They’re always up to something.”
20. “I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.”
21. “Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.”
22. “Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.”
23. “This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in.”
24. “Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it’s tearable.”
25. “What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!”
26. “What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging.”
27. “What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam.”
28. “What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.”
29. “What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.”
30. “What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.”
31. “What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!”
32. “What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.”
33. “What’s an astronaut’s favourite part of a computer? The space bar.”
34. “What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.”
35. “When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.”
36. “Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.”
37. “Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels.”
38. “Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.”
39. “Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.”
40. “Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!”
41. “Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb.”
42. “Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.”
43. What gets wetter the more it dries? A Towel
44. A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
45. A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him, “How long have you suffered from that condition?” The guy tells him, “Since next Monday.”
46. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint!
47. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
48. Did you hear the rumour about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it!
49. How did the police finally stop the paint thief? They caught him red-handed.
50. How do Spacemen organize a party? They planet.
51. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them!
52. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
53. How much does a pirate pay for corn? A buccaneer.
54. I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I told him, “Mark, my words!”
55. It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.”
56. Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.
57. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it!
58. What award did the inventor of knock-knock jokes get? The No-bell prize.
59. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
60. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
61. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!
62. What do you call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
63. What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
64. What is the best way to call a fish? Drop it a line.
65. What rock group has four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.
66. What state do crayons go to on vacation? Colour-ado.
67. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can’t tuna fish.
68. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
69. When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime.
70. Where do sharks go on vacation? Finland.
71. Where does the Queen keep her armies? In her sleeves.
72. Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they only have one tale.
73. Why are ghosts such bad liars? You can see right through them.
74. Why are pigs so bad at sports? They’re always hogging the ball.
75. Why can’t the bank keep a secret? It has too many tellers.
76. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
77. Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
78. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it!
79. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
80. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
81. Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day? They’re very scent-imental.
82. Why does the clock break when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.
83. Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day? Because there are lots of fans.
84. Why is a doctor always calm? Because they have a lot of patients.
85. Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
86. Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke? Because it might crack up!
87. If an English teacher is convicted of a crime and doesn’t complete the sentence, is that a fragment?
88. I think my wife is putting glue on my antique weapons collection. She denies it but I’m sticking to my guns!
89. Which U.S. state is famous for its extra-small soft drinks? Minnesota!
90. I got a hen to regularly count her own eggs. She’s a real mathamachicken!
91. What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? “Close the door, I’m dressing!”
92. Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!
93. What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest!
94. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta!
95. I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing. The neighbours said they will call the police unless I put it back.
96. Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!
97. I don’t really call for funerals that start before noon. I guess I’m just not a mourning person!
98. If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?
99. One of my favourite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
100. I’m addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums. I need Help!
101. What does the cell say to his sister when she steps on his toe? “Oh, my toe sis!”
102. I never buy pre-shredded cheese. Because doing it yourself is grate.
103. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
104. How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow? It is either one or the utter.
105. I have a great joke about nepotism. But I’ll only tell it to my kids.
106. What do scholars eat when they’re hungry? Academia nuts.
107. What do you call an ant that has been shunned by his community? A socially dissed ant.
108. A Vicks VapoRub truck overturned on the highway this morning. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours!
109. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
110. What rhymes with boo and stinks? You!
111. I accidentally dropped my pillow on the floor. I think it has a concushion.
112. Someone complimented my parking today! They left a sweet note on my windshield that said “parking fine.”
113. St. Francis worked at Krispy Kreme. He was a deep friar.
114. In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
115. After dinner, my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it!
116. This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode!
117. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge asks her, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
118. I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work!
119. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?!
120. I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It’s a little fishy!
121. Five out of four people admit they’re bad with fractions!
122. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
123. I’ll call you later. Don’t call me later, call me Dad!
124. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
125. When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, “No, I’d rather drink it out of the carton!”
126. The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
127. I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks!
128. I invented a new word today: Plagiarism!
129. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
130. I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole destroying!
131. My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!
132. I’m so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
133. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
134. I thought about going on an all-almond diet… But that’s just nuts!
135. My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”And I told him, “No it doesn’t!”
136. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
137. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

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