I Figured Out the Root of All Arguments – for Grown-Ups and Kids
As I was just putting my daughter to bed and sitting silently in the dark as she drifted off, I was thinking about why she always asks for one more story or for me to just sit there until well after she’s asleep.
She wants to know I’m still there, looking after her.
But then, as my mind wandered further I thought about common arguments or usual discussions that happen as part of any relationship.
“Where do you want to eat?” The classic evening back-and-forth where no decision is made. But the choice in a restaurant isn’t what is really discussed when it’s boiled down to the raw feelings.
How about fights about money? “You spent how much? On that? Are you kidding?!” At first glance, it sounds like a heated conversation about wasting money on something potentially awesome but the other person doesn’t share that opinion. It’s not about the money though.
They’re all about wanting to feel secure. These are all about wanting to be taken care of, even just for a few moments in a day when you’re making all the decisions.
“I don’t want to eat there” – This person just wants someone else to provide for them, just this once, just right now. The solution, assure them that it’s ok and you’ve sorted dinner. It’s on the way and they can just sit back, knowing the other person has handled the details.
“Why did you buy that?” – This is being asked of the spender because they’re trying to make sure they have enough for a rainy day or to be able to afford an upcoming bill. They just want to make sure that their money is going to the right place, to know that they’re not going to go into debt or have to go without.
“Just stay a little longer, Daddy” – She just wants to know she’s safe and looked after. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell her, she just wants to fall asleep knowing that I’m nearby.
The future is uncertain. Be someone’s reason to feel safe and loved.