1. “Just wait until the Terrible-Twos!”

There are two possible scenarios where this is mentioned. Either our new pride and joy is being perfectly behaved and you’re keen to be the incredibly annoying reality check, or the baby is inconsolably wailing and you just couldn’t wait to remind us that worse is on the way.

2. “I wouldn’t want to be you right now” – Dad Blogger – Casey Palmer

Awesome. Now I feel much better. Oh wait, nope that didn’t help.

3. “Mine was already talking/walking/performing surgery by this time”

Congratulations on your incredible wunderkind. Deep down we know that all children grow at their own rates, but we don’t need you comparing them to each other.

4. “When are you going to have another?” – via Dad Blogger, Michael Kwan

This one was hard enough, can we just have a few seconds to celebrate this one?

5. “Still working on that post-baby weight?”

I’ve heard this said to both mums and dads. I was also told “Looks like someone’s put on a little sympathy weight”. While that was a keen observation, their punishment was swift so I could squeeze in a snack and a nap.

An actual book.

6. “You need to read the new version ‘Things You Didn’t Know About Babies’ book.”

Oh fun, another update on the $60 must-have book I just finished reading. I’ll be sure to sit down and go through it with all my spare time.

7. “What do you mean you can’t come out tonight?” via Dad Blogger, Tyler Ingram

We. are. exhausted.

8. “I don’t want to tell you how to parent, but…”

Yes you do. It’s literally your favourite thing.

9. “Oh she’s so cute, can I pick her up, touch her feet, boing her curly hair?” – Random strangers

Of course not. I made this and you can’t touch it. Go away immediately.

10. “A little treat won’t hurt her/him.” – The person you almost let babysit.

Do not feed my pride and joy a piece of your chocolate muffin or ‘just one fry’. She doesn’t need to know that there’s anything more delicious than milk or mushed vegetables right now.

11. “Don’t forget to make time for yourselves.”

While this sounds like lovely advice, I’m exhausted and just want to sleep. As soon as the laundry is done, the diaper genie has been taken out and I’ve scraped the whatever-that-is off the TV remote.